Constantine has something he'd like to say!

Playgrounds and Growing Up

On the first day of Spring, Nathaniel and I took our son to Rita's for his very first taste of water ice. As the cool, lemony-sweet crystals dissolved on his tongue, he looked up at us with a beaming smile. It's the little things in life. Watching the world through his eyes is such a beautiful reminder of all the things we easily take for granted. Everything is new for him. Every bus that drives by is a "Bus! Bus! Bus!!!! Bye, bus." Every dog is an "Oof, oof!" When he is sad, he wants "Mum mum mum" and when he's hungry he wants "Mur" food. It's so much fun to watch.

The weather has been just beautiful recently, so we broke out the shorts today and walked over to the playground for an adventure. At first, I tried putting him on the slide by himself and holding him as he went down, but he was a little nervous about that. So I climbed up and went down the slide with him on my lap, and he liked that. After a few times going down the slide together, he was feeling brave enough to go by himself (while I held onto him). By the end, he was getting to the bottom and giggling, going "Wowwww!"


If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that these moments really do go by so quickly. I can't believe how big he's getting and how quickly he is learning things. It seems like he's learning at least one new word a day, and even how to put words together. And the photos I have of him when he was younger are so precious to me now that he's getting big. With each new day, I look back at the memories those photos provide and cherish this incredible life that we have.

Christmas angels

Christmas is a time for joy and celebration, but for a lot of people, Christmas is a very difficult season. For a few friends in particular, these past few weeks have been a struggle to get through. For others, these days remind them of people who aren't here to celebrate anymore, and no matter how much time goes by, you never stop missing them.

At Christmastime, I miss my great-grandmother more than ever. The festive lights always remind me of how we used to drive around and rate houses together, always deciding that although we loved the decked-out gaudy one for its daring, we like the simple white lights best. These should be happy memories, and mostly they are, but I can't recall them without feeling the aching longing for her to be here again and to relive those moments. I'm grateful to have been as close with her as I was, she was an incredible woman.

My beautiful little man is always smiling, laughing, finding something new to explore. His new curiosities are the stuff of professional comic relief and he's recently started giving me kisses - wet, open mouth, protruding tongue kisses on the cheek - and there is nothing in the world that compares with the love that they make me feel for him. He is my Christmas angel. He reminds me of all the beautiful good in this world. Amidst chaos, uncertainty, fear, loss, there is this boy playing in the tub and smiling up at me as though everything is ok. And as strange as it may sound, that gives me hope.

A very long year.

Here we are, we're still here.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

--- Psalm 43:5

I remembered this verse a few days ago. It was good timing.

This is one of the last photos I took before we moved from the farm. This boy is my sunshine.

Update

I'm happy to say that another couple wants Alexis Ryan Photography for their wedding in October! What fun!!

The home birth I'm photographing could happen any day now. I am getting more and more excited to document this day and all of the beautiful people involved, especially the new one!

Part-time photographer; Full-time mama.

Yesterday I bundled my son up and put him in the moby my sister made for me. The entire time I was out taking photos for the gallery in March, he slept curled up against me. It was nice to get out and stretch my photography fingers, so to speak.

My little pear picker.

A friend from Temple showed me the coolest photographs by Adele Enerson, a series called "Mila's Daydreams." Every day for a year, this mother set up scenes around her baby after she'd fallen asleep. They are so creative. Of course now my mind is going off on the possibilities for Constantine and for other new babies. Giving credit where credit is due, I still believe imitation to be the greatest form of flattery!

That's all for now - and again, you can see more photos on my facebook!

Why Free Birth?

Following Constantine's arrival, I knew there would be questions about our decision to have an unassisted or "free" birth. I hope that writing this blog post helps answer many of those questions, but if you have others, feel free to leave a comment below and I will do my best to get back to you.

What is a free-birth?

            A free-birth is any birth where a doctor, nurse or midwife is not present. It is not necessarily a birth where the mother is alone or without support - many women choose to have their husbands or partners, good friends, a doula (an emotional, mental and physical support-person for women in labor) or their other children with them. Nathaniel and I chose to be the only people present, other than Constantine, at his birth.

Why not have a midwife?

            First, let me say that it was only after a great deal of research and reading a lot of personal testimonies that we decided to do this. I am a huge supporter of the practice of midwifery and have known some absolutely amazing midwives, including Christy Santoro, who provided us with prenatal care. The decision to have an unattended birth came from a lot of places - our belief that my body was capable of this, Nathaniel's own medical qualifications, a lot of research about complications and natural healing remedies, etc. But the main reason we chose for it to just be the two of us is because of the incredibly deep love and trust we share and because of the bond that led me to believe that my husband would do everything he could for me and that I would be at my absolute most relaxed and in-tune with my body in his presence, without the distractions of other people.

What do you do in an emergency?

            Much like a midwife-assisted home-birth, it's not typically recommended that high-risk pregnancies be delivered unassisted. Nathaniel and I agreed that the only way we would do this is if both Christy and I felt confident that I was in good health and that Constantine was in a good position. With that in mind, there are very few instances where a true medical emergency occurs during a peaceful, uninterrupted home-birth (Statistics and more on this are a different ball of yarn, please watch The Business of Being Born!!!). Nathaniel and I were prepared with disinfectants, anesthetics and sutures in case of tearing. We had a Vitamin K shot prepared for Constantine, in case of a difficult or traumatic birth. Also - and I'm amazed how many women don't know this - breastfeeding your baby immediately after birth significantly slows bleeding and helps the uterus to contract back to its pre-pregnant size. Nathaniel, who is a certified EMT and has extensive paramedic training as well, is qualified to administer Basic Life Support, obviously including adult and infant CPR. And in the event that something really went "wrong" - the car was ready for us to hop in and drive to the hospital.

How do you know if it's an emergency, without a midwife or doctor?

            Part of the mindset in a free-birth is fully trusting in the body's innate capability to give birth. Women are designed to do this - and often, the cause for difficult or exceptionally painful labor is rooted in a fear that literally shuts the body down and makes birth harder. Women have given birth in comas. Women who didn't even know they were pregnant have given birth while taking a bath at home. The first woman I spoke to about free-birth is such an inspiration to me - she was nineteen when her first baby was born. Her boyfriend was drunk and passed out on the couch and she delivered completely by herself. (She also dumped the boyfriend!!!) All of that is to say that our bodies, if we listen to them, tell us more than we realize. If something is wrong, it's intuitive. Positioning issues, such as breech, posterior or shoulder distocia babies, are rarely a cause for medical intervention - given patience and guidance, babies have been born with all of these issues and no complications. There are better and worse ways to stand/sit/kneel and to help the baby out for each of these, however. We did our homework on all of them.

How did we decide to have a free-birth?

            Toward the end of my first trimester, we started having problems with our midwife. It was very difficult to get in touch with her and we hadn't met for a prenatal appointment in far longer than we should have. There were personal reasons for that on her part, and I still would say she's a very talented midwife and has worked very well with others. All the same, Nathaniel and I realized that the dynamic between the three of us was not going to be the best fit for our birth.

            We started looking for other options in our area but were really discouraged when we found that midwives in Philadelphia are very expensive - and since we were already so far into the pregnancy, we'd have even less time to come up with the money to pay for one. There was only one birthing center with one non-guaranteed opening in October, and I really wanted to have a home-birth. Nathaniel half-jokingly said one day that we should just have the baby by ourselves. I wasn't really comfortable with the idea and so we continued looking for a midwife, trusting that God would provide the financial means for us to afford one. The idea of a free-birth as a possibility did start to develop in our minds, though, so we began doing more research.

            We were so happy when we found Christy Santoro - she is an incredible person who has been recognized for her achievements as an exceptional midwife. She also was very understanding of the stress we were under with our first midwife not working out. We were blessed to meet her, but by the time we had our first appointment, we had really started to embrace the idea of a free-birth. We asked Christy how she felt about meeting with us for prenatal appointments only. A lot of midwives aren't comfortable with this sort of agreement - obviously if something happens, they don't want any liability issues. The practice of midwifery is under so much undue scrutiny right now, it is a completely understandable concern, so we agreed that we would not mention her name if we needed to go to a hospital.

            Many of the same ideas for a midwife-attended birth apply to a free-birth. A natural home-birth was so important to us for a myriad of reasons. That aspect is a whole other topic, though, and if you'd like to learn more about it I cannot recommend strongly enough that you start by watching The Business of Being Born. If you have Netflix, it streams instantly. I was born at home and, being raised in a family that supported home birth, I have spent years of my life learning about its benefits. Some choose not to have a natural home birth and that is a decision I completely respect. But I do urge you to learn more about it.

            We met with Christy on a regular basis to gauge Constantine's progress - everything was normal. We also focused on nutrition and home exercises that help keep the baby in the right position and the pelvic bones aligned correctly. Visiting chiropractor, Dr. Ohm, was a huge help with this. If you're skeptical about the effectiveness of these home exercises, ask Nathaniel to tell you about how he flipped our baby from breech into a correct vertex position by talking to my belly! Or I'll happily tell you about how I could literally barely walk because of pelvic pain until we visited Dr. Ohm. I learned that spending several minutes every night before bed resting on my hands and knees and relaxing my spine could completely eliminate the problem.

Why didn't we tell people before he was born?

            I do hope you'll all forgive us for keeping this information from you but I hope you'll understand the reasons why. It has been fairly easy for me to write this four-page FAQ about our decision and to post it on my blog where it is universally accessible. It wouldn't have been as easy to answer these questions repeatedly, every time someone new asked them, though. More than anything, however, it was because free-birth relies largely on the mother's ability to relax, empty her mind of outside concerns and trust her body. Telling people about this decision before Constantine's birth would have inevitably opened us up to a barrage of questions, concerns and the imposition of other people's fears - none of which I mean to belittle or discredit. I simply hope that you understand how important it was for us to have as little of that in the back of our minds as possible as we approached this.

I hope this has answered your questions about Constantine's birth. If you have other questions, feel free to leave a comment. Thank you!